Sometimes I am such a mushmouth that there’s no way to tell what I am singing. Well, not that often. But maybe you want to savor and ponder my lyrics without the distraction of pesky music. Maybe you want to copy and paste something to add life to a dry and boring speech, or to use in a vain effort to save a failed relationship. Maybe you want to do a cover version, or just sing along. That’s your business, but here you go.
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I’d Pay Money to See You Again
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Very Good at Music
You Still Owe Me $13,000
VERSE/REFRAIN 1
Not a day goes by, I don’t think of you
And maybe I should give you a holler
After all this time, you’re still on my mind
And you still owe me thirteen thousand dollars
We were the best of friends, till you ripped me off
I know one day you will be collared
If you want sympathy, don’t look for it from me
‘Cause you still owe me thirteen thousand dollars
BRIDGE/CHORUS
Maybe you’re upstate
With a new cellmate
Maybe you’re in hiding
Stealing vinyl siding
It’s money I don’t need
Somehow it still it irks me
This is one debt
I will never forget
‘Cause you still owe me thirteen thousand dollars
Yeah you still owe me thirteen thousand dollars
VERSE/REFRAIN 2
Your trail’s gone cold, where you are no one knows
But you’re not that bright, you’re not a scholar
You can’t always evade me, Flaky McShady
‘Cause you still owe me thirteen thousand dollars
Can’t find you online, I should give up tryin’
You’re prob’ly livin’ somewhere in squalor
I wish you the best, I say that in jest
‘Cause you still owe me thirteen thousand dollars
BRIDGE/CHORUS
Maybe you’re upstate
With a new cellmate
Maybe you’re in hiding
Stealing vinyl siding
It’s money I don’t need
Somehow it still it irks me
This is one debt
I will never forget
‘Cause you still owe me thirteen thousand dollars
Yeah you still owe me thirteen thousand dollars
Oh you still owe me thirteen thousand dollars
Yeah you still owe me thirteen thousand dollars
Dusty Waterbed
CHORUS
I got a dusty waterbed
I’m hopin’ you can help me get some use out of it
The frame’s a little rusty, the cover’s gettin’ musty
But if you’re feelin’ open, we can go floatin’ on top of it
My dusty waterbed
VERSE 1
Bought the waterbed and some fancy threads
Grew my sideburns they came in red
Gold chains, leather pants, open shirt and a vest
Trusted my hairdresser that I looked my best
I’m out there cruisin’ every weekend
Searchin’ for a sweet companion
Always waitin’ for the fun to begin
Swingers clubs never let me in
PRECHORUS 1
There’s scars on my face from when I got beaten
Barfights every drunken season
Bearfights every huntin’ season
Guess I’m stubborn, all I’ve got’s a thick head
And a dusty waterbed
CHORUS REPEAT
VERSE 2
The sweet smell of aftershave and cologne
Soap on a rope, but nope, I’m still alone
So I stare at myself in the mirrored ceiling
Wonder what makes me unappealing
I spill champagne on my bearskin rug
It’s cold and it’s dark and I could use a hug
I still dream of all those freaky things
Least I never have to hear creaky springs
PRECHORUS 2
Nothin’s changed, ‘cept my looks have faded
The waterbed is dilapidated
I’ll admit I’ve grown to hate it
I got appetites that never get fed
And a dusty waterbed
CHORUS REPEAT
Lovin’ Education
VERSE 1
Lessons in love, I must have missed a few of them
Push comes to shove, I don’t know what I’m doin’ and
I try to bluff, they say enough, they leave
I try to bluff, they’ve had enough, of me
VERSE 2
There’s so much to learn, for me to be a man but then
Where do I turn, I think I need a mannequin
Or an intern, someone to practice with
‘Cause I can’t learn too much from mattresses
CHORUS
I need some lovin’ education
You gotta show me how it’s done
I just feel so clueless, I would like to do this, at least once
I need some lovin’ education
You gotta show me how it’s done
I can’t get nothin’ started, I must be regarded as dumb
VERSE 3
You’d prefer a machine, or something mechanical
To fumbling with me, while I reach for the manual
I’ll get it right, maybe tonight, we’ll see
I’ll get it right, maybe accidentally
VERSE 4
I keep askin’ myself, how hard can it be
Isn’t this supposed to come naturally
But I can’t speak to the birds and bees
It really hurts me, it really hurts me, see
CHORUS REPEAT
Why You Treatin’ Me Like Garbage?
VERSE 1
I bought you lunch, a gallon of rum punch and everything on the menu
You picked at my salad, I sang you a ballad, and lit up the whole venue
When I paid the check I thought I could expect more than a peck on the cheek
Instead you gave me your leftover gravy and said you’d call me next week
Let me put this succinctly, you treat me stinkily, it’s
CHORUS
Garbage, the way you’re treating me, its
Garbage, always defeating me, it’s
Garbage, it’s really eating me
What I wanna know is, why you treatin’ me like garbage?
All I wanna know is, why you treatin’ me like garbage?
VERSE 2
Second date, you’re two hours late, you say you got stuck on the bridge
Doubting that, I pulled out a map – it’s not even where you live!
You asked for a loan to pay off your phone, you told me you would sext me
Guess I’m gullible, ‘cause I fell for that bull, you didn’t even text me!
I know I ain’t great but I pull my own weight
What you really oughtta do is find a garbageman to date. It’s…
CHORUS REPEAT
VERSE 3
You said you were home, ya needed time alone, to study for a pelvic exam
As I walked your block I wasn’t all that shocked to see you with another man
Purely on a whim I turned to him and said, “Keep your heart protected
She’ll lie to your face, that’s just the case, at least now you’ll expect it”
BRIDGE
I shoulda known better from the day we started
The whole thing stunk like someone departed
Your eye wandered but you didn’t need surgery
And everything that came out of your mouth – perjury
Such a flirt in your pink poodle skirt
We coulda made it work but instead I got hurt
Ya threw my heart in the can, and kicked it to the curb
Now that’s why I’m perturbed … It’s
CHORUS REPEAT
Very Good at Music
CHORUS
I’m very good at music, not so good at lyrics
I’m very good at music, not so good at lyrics
I’m very good at music, not so good at lyrics
Who knew mere words could crush the human spirit?
VERSE 1
I’m a musical virtuoso
But my lyrics are just so-so
Writing them is an ordeal
Got a rhyming dictionary
In truth I find it scary
Words too big to say what I feel
VERSE 2
I’m mumbling and then I’m
Fumbling the end rhyme
It’s not as easy as it seems
But I gotta have a vocal
So maybe I’ll just yodel
Cause nothing’s gonna step on my dreams
CHORUS REPEAT
VERSE 3
I’ll just keep it coming
Can I interest you in humming?
Till this is over you’ll be sad
Hmm, maybe I might just
Pretend I’ve laryngitis
Yes I know it’s really that bad
BRIDGE
Mind-melting melodies
Heavenly harmonies
I do all that with ease
But pen to paper, I just freeeeeeeeeze
CHORUS REPEAT
Dropped on My Head
VERSE 1
Always wondered why I’m a bit slow
And I wondered why my voice is so low
Then I learned my noggin was jogged
By a family friend who shoulda been flogged
I’m sure I cried for days
Don’t know if I concussed
When you’re two years old It’s tough to discuss
CHORUS
VERSE 2
He lifted me up, and lost his grip
Let out a “whoops!” as he let me slip
My heavy brain made me fall like a lawn dart
Why couldn’t I have landed on the soft parts?
I’m sure it made a lump
It didn’t leave a scar
And I haven’t had a brain hemorrhage so far, but
CHORUS REPEAT
BRIDGE
I can’t go back in time and kill him
So I’ll give advice instead
If a man’s last name is Butterfingers
Don’t let him lift your child above his head
Sex Injury
VERSE 1
This kind of thing happens all the time
Two or more fool around, and lose their minds
Then something slides out of place
And a look of agony covers your face
I got hurt on a job but it wasn’t employment
I did it for your enjoyment
I shoulda known the good feeling couldn’t last
Now pain’s the only thing comin’ hard and fast
PRECHORUS
In the heat of passion, we got a little careless
Next thing you know, we’re flying off the mattress
It looks like we’re gonna have to table this
Before we end up on the disabled list
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
But it’s no good if we’re both maimed
CHORUS 1
Sex injury – hurts so bad, feels so good
Sex injury – feels so bad, hurts so good
I guess it just comes with the territory
Sex injury
VERSE 2
I’m red and swollen, but not where I wanna be
My whole life just flashed in front of me
Hold your thought, I’ll be right back
I gotta grab an icepack
No, we could never abstain
But I don’t think we can play through the pain
I don’t like it, it makes me sad
But we’re gonna need body armor, helmets, and kneepads
PRECHORUS REPEAT
CHORUS 2
Sex injury – hurts so good, feels so bad
Sex injury – feels so good, hurts so bad
It’s just part of the package that you’re givin’ to me
Sex injury
Blond Toupee
INTRO
Why did I buy a blond toupee?
Guess I thought I could keep the years at bay
I know inside I’m old and gray
But my head gets cold, and maybe one day…
VERSE 1
I’ll meet someone who can’t see the obvious
Maybe someone who’s willfully oblivious
She’ll think I’m young, I won’t tell her otherwise
‘Cause I hurt no one with my little gold lie
CHORUS
I know that I have
Some good qualities
I won’t be judged
Just because
Of a flaxen false hairpiece
VERSE 2
I always was a hairstyle trend setter
Family knows, friends can’t quite remember
They think I’ve grown a new attitude
I don’t say a thing, I don’t want to be rude
CHORUS REPEAT
Large Cash Settlement
CHORUS
There is nothing wrong with me that can’t be fixed
By a large cash settlement
It would stop all my problems from seeming so big
A large cash settlement
I need time for some reflection and spiritual growth
I can have both through a large cash settlement
VERSE 1
You can pay your debt to society
Or better yet, pay it straight to me
You can’t put a price on my suffering
But seven figures plus has quite a ring
PRECHORUS
We don’t need a jury, we don’t need a judge
Solve this in a hurry, bring a Brinks truck
CHORUS REPEAT
VERSE 2
I can buy the love of my family
And praise my luck for the injury
You can solve this now and go to lunch
Or wait years to have your records expunged
VERSE 3
Take good care of me and I’ll go away
Your rep’s too big of a price to pay
You won’t regret a single cent
When no one can say you were negligent
CHORUS REPEAT
Nobody Cares
VERSE 1
Maybe they forgot your number
Maybe they forgot your name
Maybe they forgot your birthday
In the end it’s all the same
People are complacent
They don’t share your concerns
You’re better off when you face it
You’ll be better off when you learn
CHORUS 1
Nobody cares
They’re glad they missed your call
Nobody cares
About your life at all
Nobody cares
Now you can throw a fit
Nobody cares
Or you can just get used to it
VERSE 2
Maybe they didn’t notice
All the hard work that you’ve done
Maybe they’ll skip the service
On the day you’re dead and gone
Most folks, they’re just too polite
To tell you just how they feel
Plus they’re just too self-absorbed
To think about your deal
CHORUS 2
Nobody cares
About your dinner plans
Nobody cares
About your new romance
Nobody cares
To hear your point of view
Nobody cares
They barely think of you
BRIDGE
Delude yourself if you want to
That’s one way to play the game
Most folks won’t confront you
Or make you feel ashamed
They’re too busy shopping
And watching their TV
Getting drunk or overeating
Living in their fantasies
CHORUS 3
Nobody cares
No matter how you try
Nobody cares
They never hear your cries
Nobody cares
It’s no coincidence
Nobody cares
There’s no accidents
Nobody cares
Nobody cares
Last Night I Slept Poorly
VERSE 1
Nothin’ much is goin’ on
I’m too tired to sing this song
Fading in and out, my eyes are dry
If I think too much I’ll start to cry
At this moment I miss my bed sorely
‘Cuz last night I slept poorly
VERSE 2
I’m in a vegetative state
Pulled the plug, it was too late
I’m feelin’ sorry only for myself
Drank a pot of coffee but it didn’t help
At this moment there is no use for me
‘Cuz last night I slept poorly
BRIDGE
Eyes so heavy, almost blind
I had a lot on my mind
Spent some time flippin’ channels
Full of fright in my robe and flannels
There’s no way I deserve this
Counted sheep, I was allergic
Knew the night would be a bad one
My dog was barking and I don’t have one
VERSE 3
Nothin’ much is goin’ on
I’m too tired to write this song
Anything you say will leave my feelings hurt
Only nap I wanna take is in the dirt
At this moment you should just ignore me
‘Cuz last night I slept poorly
FADEOUT
If you read my mind right now you’d deplore me
‘Cuz last night I slept poorly
Poor me, poor me
Last night I slept poorly
Poor me, poor me
Last night I slept poorly
Please Refrain
VERSE/REFRAIN 1
Some folks, you can’t talk to them
They use up all the oxygen
It seems that there’s no stoppin’ them or the pain
If you have nothing to say, please refrain
There’s not much point to what you say
You don’t let that stand in your way
You’re the only one who likes it when you complain
If you have nothing to say, please refrain
BRIDGE 1
I know patience is a virtue
But keep this up and I might hurt you
Why don’t you mind your own business
Then I won’t need your forgiveness
I’m too polite to tell you to shut up
But you should shut up
VERSE/REFRAIN 2
There’s no need to state the obvious
Even if you feel you must
You’re driving everybody else insane
If you have nothing to say, please refrain
Here’s some pie for your piehole
Cuz your words are never vital
It will be good for your survival to abstain
If you have nothing to say, please refrain
BRIDGE 2
Why don’t you spare me your stories
Truth be told they always bore me
Watch TV or read a book
Play a game or learn to cook
I’m too polite to tell you to shut up
But you should shut up
I’m too polite to tell you to shut up
But you should shut up
$13k – Rock Version (see You Still Owe Me $13,000)
top
Situation: Comedy!
It Ain’t Easy Bein’ Sexy
INTRO
Don’t blame me if you drive off the side of the road,
When I pass ’cause I carry a heavy load, it ain’t easy bein’ sexy
CHORUS
It ain’t easy bein’ sexy, it ain’t worth all the trouble it gets me
But the ladies all adore me, sometimes I wish they’d ignore me
They’re horny, they want me, they haunt me, they hunt me
RAP 1
No one takes me serious they just want a handful
I’m gettin’ tired of this bein’ manhandled
Ladies please, let’s skip the fandango
Let go ’cause I don’t want to tangle
I lie low so I won’t get noticed
But it’s hopeless, everybody knows this
Stud, they pull my pud, they jock my d
They act indecently, this happens frequently
God blessed me with sex appeal
A handlebar moustache and pecs of steel
Now everybody wants to get a feel
Male model good looks my chest is cut
Bowlegged yes, and I’ve got a tight butt
Don’t blame me blame God, ’cause he’s the one
That gave me this body that you find so stunning
I gave you a hug but it’s like you want blood
It starts out funny but I always end up running
Ya love my dimples, ya think it’s simple
Being a male bimbo, well here’s some info
It seems that you need to hear:
When I walk away, quit starin’ at my rear, see
Just ’cause I’m sexy and sultry
It doesn’t mean I wanna help you commit adultery!
I’m educated, plus we never dated
Don’t act like you know me, ’cause I really hate it
Quit sniffin’ my cologne, and leave me alone
No matter how you dog me you won’t catch a bone
No I never been in a movie, yes I know I’m hot
No you can’t ever do that to me, but thanks a lot, yeah thanks a lot
CHORUS REPEAT
RAP 2
I always leave the ladies glassy-eyed
‘Cause they ain’t used to seein’ such a classy guy
They stop and stare, and walk away drooling
And it leaves me feeling inhuman
I know that I’m a super-sexy stone-cold freak
But can’t you see there’s more to me than a physique?
I’m not a gigolo, a stunt, or a trick
A player, a hustler, a private dick
Just a good lookin’ man with a family
So would you please unhand me
CHORUS REPEAT
Workin’ Up a Sweat
CHORUS
You’ve got me workin’ up a sweat, out here on the dancefloor, tonight
You’ve got me workin’ up a sweat, out here tonight, tonight, tonight
VERSE 1
So hot and sweaty
I’m gettin’ ready
To win a wet T-shirt contest
When I’m excited
I just can’t fight it
It’s disgusting babe, you can be honest
VERSE 2
I really hate it when I get this way
I wish the sweat would go away
My dancin’ suit’s ruined
Don’t mean to raise a stink and make you think
That I am sorely out of shape
But there’s nothin doin’
I’m covered in grit, I’m covered in grunge
I wanna take the Nestea plunge!
CHORUS REPEAT
VERSE 3
So hot and stinkin’
What was I thinkin’
The sweat is drippin’ off my nose
I smell so rotten
Shoulda worn cotton
‘Cause it’s tough to get this stench out of dry-clean clothes
VERSE 4
Big blue veins are bulging in my forehead
I’m turnin’ red
Everyone’s starin’ at me
There’s no turnin’ back from a heart attack
It looks like I will end up dead
At least I’ll die happy
I’m the sweatiest man at the discotheque
They hung an air fresh’ner from my neck!
CHORUS VARIATION
You got me so hot I’m up in flames
Dump that Gatorade on me, let’s pretend I won the game
VERSE 5
I shoulda brought a towel
At least some sweatbands
I’m gettin so hot, it’s like I’m wearin’ sweatpants
Smell like a locker room
I gotta stop this soon
I’m gettin so hot, I killed my antiperspirant
I just can’t stand it, somebody help me please–
I’m gonna drink some antifreeze!
CHORUS REPEAT
Cellphone
INTRO
This is beautiful, I’m feeling so fulfilled
Truly magical, and I just can’t wait until
I hear from you again, calling out my name
On your cellphone
VERSE 1
Every moment, I’ll tell you about my life
Every second, ’cause you’ve just gotta know what it’s like
I’m on the train, with two more stops to go
Nothing unusual, I just had to let you know
I’m at the movies, the film just leaves me bored
People are yelling at me, they’re getting tough to ignore
I’m in surgery, they’re trying to knock me out
I’ll call you when they’re done, so much to talk about
CHORUS 1
In private or in public, whatever the subject
On our cellphones
BRIDGE 1
I’m getting worried, I haven’t heard from you for days
I don’t know what to do, to pass the time away
I always feel so strange, when you’re out of range
I’m starting to suspect, deliberate neglect
You left me all alone
BRIDGE 2
You finally came home, I wanna see your phone
To solve the mystery, I’ll check your call history
What is this I find? You’ve be so unkind
You’ve been calling him, when did this begin?
ENDING
I guess I should have known, I couldn’t trust you alone
I’ll never be the same, since I found his name
You’ve clearly gone insane, radiation filled your brain
From your cellphone
Hummerman
VERSE 1
He can climb any mountain
He can cross any river
He can knock down any wall
But he’s not going anywhere in this traffic
CHORUS
He’s a hummer in a traffic jam, what a bummer
He’s a hummer in a traffic jam, what a bummer
RAP 1
Me and my Hummer both done up in leather
Even in Summer we’re tougher than weather
Rough and rugged yeah we’re tough and mean
We’re drinkin’ all the gasoline cause we’re thirsty
Give me the finger but you know it won’t hurt me
Your voice fades and I’m lost in the shades and the system
Sucker tried to pass so I laughed yeah I dissed him
120 in a 55 zone
I’m leavin’ both you and the cops in the dust all alone
8 miles to the gallon but the tank is big
And one day I might have to save my wife and kids
When I pass, you’ll hear it, you’ll fear it
Got the pioneer spirit that made America great
The liberals hate, they stare at ya, just jealous
Mutterin’ somethin’ ’bout “he’s so selfish”
Their hatred is evident, the Hummer is heaven-sent
Best of all I’ll write it off, thanks Mr. President
I spend what I need on the rims and the trim
And I can speed across the country on a whim
I can move any mountain, I can ford any steam
Chirp the tires in the parkin’ lot to let off steam
VERSE 2
He’s a rich guy
And he doesn’t care
If has polluting the air
He’s a rich guy
And so he can burn
Up the world’s fuel supply
CHORUS REPEAT
RAP 2
Old ladies are confounded
‘Cause they can’t see above it or around it
What I’m drivin’s a classic
I should have my own lane of traffic
I am one with the tundra
What rock did you climb out from under?
Pretty soon it’ll be just me and the caribou
And the rest of my Hummer Owners’ Group
Yellow ribbons on the side ‘cause I support the troops
But back here I’m doin’ battle on the highway
With stupid idiots who don’t see it my way
Morons who make my blood boil
All those stupid signs on “No Blood for Oil”
The army men are my brothers
Good riddance to self-righteous treehuggers
You sound so corny when you talk of global warming
You should try a Hummer cause they’re very habit-forming
Your critiques make no sense at all
Except when it comes to parkin’ at the mall
CHORUS REPEAT
I, Too, Like to Party
CHORUS
I, too, like to party
I, too like to party
RAP
I like to party, I like to boogie down
At the disco, I like the latest sounds
I like cruisin’, flirtin’ with all the gals
I like boozin’, buyin’ drinks for all my pals, but I’m
Mentally ill, overweight, and unattractive
So instead I spend all my time alone indulging my bad habits
I like to stay out late, I like to unwind
I like to do it all night, I like the good times
I like to see and be seen with all my friends
I like to do it again and again, but I’m
Usually too sick, distraught, discouraged, and depressed
I’m in a world of pain and my life is a mess
Party…party…party…Yeah!
Hey baby shake it, give it everything you got
Yeah shake it ‘cause you know that you’re makin’ me hot
And when I see you dance and go home with some other guy
I’ll stand in the corner, and hope you don’t see me cry
Rejected, dejected, I’ve come to expect it
I’m socially retarded, I can’t get nothin’ started
So I’ll just go home and eat until I fall asleep
When I die no one will notice for a couple of weeks
Yeah, ha ha… all right… who’s havin’ a good time?
CHORUS REPEAT (x 2)
Internet
I’m in love with a man that I haven’t met, courtesy of the Internet
He’s gonna fly me to Alaska
He says my emails make him laugh, but he can’t send a photograph
I hope this isn’t a disaster
Somehow I always find the wrong men
Haven’t dated since God knows when
I’m sure I’ve put on a few pounds since then
He likes moonlit walks on the beach, frolicking underneath the sheets
It seems we have so much in common
He says he’s willing to try again, spends his time all alone or with friends
I can’t foresee any problems
He wants a good woman, one with a mind
Doesn’t want children, but he’ll love mine
I don’t think he’s feeding me a line
I hope he doesn’t show up bombed
I hope he doesn’t live with his mom
I hope he buys me some flowers
I hope he shaves and he showers
He’s not much to look at
His teeth are bad, he’s bald and fat
I’m not attracted, I can’t lie
But I’m gonna give this a try
I’m in love with a man that I just met, now we’re off to get intimate –
And this part’s none of your business!
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Cause I swear it was love from the first night
You’re the answer to my prayers, perfection
And I wanna take your life in a whole new direction
Just you and me and my beer can collection
All my affection, occasional erections
Give me a hug on my bearskin rug
You make me feel better than my allergy drugs
Or cocaine, okay, I’ll try the Rogaine
Or Avacor, cause this is better than I had before
Look around, you never had it no better
Even my toilet seat’s covered in leather
I know you’re worried, you have your doubts
But I’ll make mom sleep on the couch
Sorry, I don’t mean to sweat you
It’s just been a dream come true since I met you
Be my soulmate, and I’ll be yours
I’m positive, like Al B. Sure!
I wanna take it to the next level, so strap in
Cause you never know what could happen
You don’t wanna change careers midstream?
You can help my pyramid scheme
We’ll bring home the bacon
Fry it up in the pan
Keep my heart from achin’
Let me be your man
He’s getting serious too fast, I knew this couldn’t last
It was nice at first, now I’m feeling smothered
Every hour he’s on the phone, maybe I’d be better off alone
He’s so insecure, I’m getting sick of his mother
I’m out of love with the man that I just met courtesy of the Internet
This turned out to be a disaster
I’m not in love with the man that I just met, cause he seems too desperate
I’m gonna head back to Nebraska
Happy as a Clam
VERSE 1
You ask me how I’m doin’
It’s plain to see my life’s in ruins
You ask me how I’m feelin’
Could it be that you don’t care? I know you don’t care, well I’m
CHORUS 1
Happy as a clam that isn’t very happy, yeah
Feelin’ so bad ever since you left me
I would say it’s all your fault, but how pathetic would that be?
Happy, happy, happy as a man who’s on his way to prison, yeah I’m
Happy as a man who says he is but isn’t
If happy is as happy does, I ain’t doin’ nothin’
VERSE 2
I’ll carry a torch in case some day you change your mind
I’ll probably get scorched, but till that day I’m doin’ fine, yeah I’m doin’ fine, you see I’m
CHORUS 2
Happy as a clam about to be boiled, yeah
Happy as a clam that’s covered in oil from the Exxon Valdez, it’s slick, it’s sick, it’s true, I’m still in love with you
I’m happy as a man who’s on a ledge and jumpin’, yeah and
Happy as I am, I shoulda said somethin’, before it was too late
Now we’ll never date again
BRIDGE
I shouldn’t complain, he won you fair and square,
He’s got a gold chain, and lots of chest hair,
You tug on his beard, he’s your fuzzy bear, yeah,
But I just bough some sexy underwear!
I’d Pay Money to See You Again
VERSE 1
Baby I’ve been thinking things over
Tryin to find some way to be your lover
You and me we’ve got to get together, tonight
VERSE 2
Baby I just love your designer clothes
And your perfume always smells so good to my nose
I’m gonna put my money where my mouth goes, tonight
CHORUS
I’d pay money to see you again
Sexy lady, you drive me crazy
But with any luck I won’t have to ‘cause you’ll be my friend
Pretty mama, do what you wanna
BRIDGE
Let me buy you something of value
To show you the way I feel
I love you so much and I love the
Special way you touch me girl
I wanna show you that the feeling’s real
RAP
We can do this for money we can do this for free
Me into you, you into me
Business to business or dating, relating
None of that matters as long as we’re mating
You into me, me into you
You can have the job, we’ll skip the interview
I hope you consider me more than a friend
But if not I’d pay money to see you again
VERSE 3
Come on in and join me in my bed
And I’ll do my best not to bore you to death
The way you got it is as good as it gets tonight
CHORUS REPEAT
ENDING
I don’t wanna lose you to all the other men
But if I had to, I’d pay money to see you again
Bellowing for Your Love
VERSE 1
We should be mellowin’
Baby you should let me in
Oh darling, let love begin
And it will never end again
VERSE 2
Instead you’re out with your friends
Who tell you you should leave your man
But baby they don’t understand
What it’s like to be a lonely man
PRECHORUS
To need you like I need you, baby I’ve gotta see you
Can’t stand my life alone, baby pick up the telephone, ‘cause I’m
CHORUS
Bellowing for your love
Bellowing ‘cause I can’t get enough
Oh I’m waking up your neighbors and I’m scaring your kids
But no one’s gonna love you the way that I did, I’m
Bellowing for your love
Bellowing ‘cause I can’t get enough
Oh I’ll probably get arrested spend another lonely night in jail
But if you paid my bail you know my love would never fail you
RAP
You and me and a bag of laundry
A cup of coffee
A day at the library, whatever, forever, together,
The way it’s supposed to be, I need you close to me
Bellowing for your love,
Bellowing ‘cause I can’t get enough
Baby come back, I won’t have to shout
Baby come back yeah hear me out
END (2x)
Baby I love you, you know it’s true
Baby I love you, yes I do
Real Deal
CHORUS
I’m the real deal, straight out the suburbs,
I had a good family, sisters and brothers
Always got along with my father and mother,
It makes a big difference when everybody loves ya
RAP 1
I’m the real deal, yo, I’m authentic,
I had a big allowance and I always got to spend it
Had all the advantages, all the snacks and sandwiches
Never had to fight so no cuts and no bandages
Grew up in Connecticut learned a lot of etiquette
Understood my grammar, a subject and a predicate
We lived like Mayberry or Green Acres
Nothing ever scared me, we couldn’t have been safer
No death threats no turf wars no warnings
Just cartoons on a Saturday morning
Then off to church on a Sunday,
Hoping that one day I could give it all back
At 10 o clock my parents knew where their child was at
No food stamps no welfare
Just lots to eat and good healthcare
No stressin’, no weapons,
Just after school programs and piano lessons
CHORUS REPEAT
RAP 2
I grew up in a sea of white faces most of them racists
Who kept segregated from people that they hated
Public education lots of information
Frequent vacations exotic locations
Then I went to college they paid my tuition
Then I graduated found a good position
Now I’m a member of the good ol’ boys club
And it would take a lot to mess it up
A productive member of society
And one day my own kids will admire me
CHORUS REPEAT
RAP 3
No prison bids, no bastard kids
No jail cells, no funny smells
No probation, no parole
No wakes no closed casket funerals
No prostitutes, no pimps no macks
No junkies in the alley with a baseball bat
No arrests, no holding pens
No five to ten in a five by seven
No petty theft, no death threats
No stress no house arrest
No acting hard no police in the yard
No gangbangin’ no drug slangin’
No evictions no addictions
No arrests and no convictions
No lockup no lockdown
Nobody gettin’ shot down
No neighborhood watch no violent cops
No knocked down doors no padded floors
No therapy nobody starin’ at me
A thug’s somebody in a gangster movie
Y’see all of these are things that you’ll never feel
And that’s the reason why I’m the one that’s real
CHORUS REPEAT (2x)
Bandit
INTRO
Before we go any further
There’s something you should know
I’ve never committed murder
But I am a hardened criminal
CHORUS
I’m a bandit, I don’t expect you to understand it
Just help me keep from getting apprehended
None of this has turned out how I planned it, so I’m a bandit
VERSE 1
I’m not ashamed of what I did
I ran away when I was a kid
Fell in with the wrong people
Wanted to eat and so I stole
BRIDGE
I never did what I was supposed to
Hurt everyone I was close to
That’s my name on the wanted poster, yeah…
VERSE 2
I grit my teeth on my cigarillo
I’m colder than a stone pillow
Eatin’ pork and beans from a can
I am a wanted man
VERSE 3
Somehow I’m always runnin’
Runnin’ from the law
Some guy just looked at me funny
I punched him in the jaw
CHORUS REPEAT
ENDING
I know I’m no good, but there’s no way I’m ever gonna change
This Time
VERSE 1
I’ve been down like this before
Hidin’ in the bathroom, pukin’ on the floor
But this time, it’s gonna be different
This time, I’m gonna change everything
Gettin’ clean this time for sure
I feel so strong, I feel secure
This time, you’re gonna see a difference
This time, I finally found religion
Give me a chance
Take me back
I swear that was the last time
Nobody’s perfect
VERSE 2
I’ve heard all your lies before
And every time I let you back in my door
But this time, I’m gonna put my foot down
This time, I’m holdin’ my ground
We can’t be together
I’m tired of your lies, and I deserve better
This time, you better start packin’
This time, ’cause I won’t let you back in
You had your chance
Now you can’t come back
Fed up with your lies
I’m gonna find a better life
VERSE 3
You say you found religion?
I didn’t know that it was missin’
You didn’t know how good you had it
I don’t need you any more
Tired of all your false remorse
I put your stuff out on the porch
You better go out and grab it
Go back to the hellhole you came from
Are you insane, are you dumb
Have you no shame, are you just scum?
CHORUS, TO FADE
This time
I’m gonna change the locks again
This time
I’m gonna call my girlfriends
This time
If they’ll still speak to me
This time
You’d better leave peacefully
This time
Why don’t you go stay with your mother
I know you hate her but it’s better than the shelter
This time
Get your head out of the Dumpster
Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot you live there
This time
You no good, low down, stinkin’ bum
Go on back to the hellhole you came from
Tell the Kids
VERSE 1
This is not a song I ever wanted to sing
Don’t say a word cause I know everything
I smelled his Hai Karate when I walked in the room
And you can’t hide that stink with your bittersweet perfume
I’m too much of a man to allow myself to cry
But you’ll have to excuse me I’ve got something in my eye
What are we ever gonna tell the kids?
They won’t understand what you did
CHORUS
Haven’t I been good to you,
Didn’t I tell you I’d be home soon
With ten thousand more envelopes to stuff
Darling wasn’t that enough?
VERSE 2
He’s not a man, he is more like a mouse
To get up and run like that out of my house
When he could have stayed here and faced me like a man
Fought me squarely to win your hand
I’m not gonna cry I’m gonna go for a drink
Sleep in the rig tonight, just sit there and think
I hope that you got something good to tell the kids
They can find their old man out in the rig
CHORUS REPEAT
VERSE 3
I’m gonna go to Radio Shack and get a metal detector
Use it at the beach like when I was a teenager
You know in a little while I’ll let you back
Cause I don’t have any more self respect
Too scared to make a break and set out on my own
I’ll take anything from you, just don’t leave me alone
I pray to the lord above that you will come back and stay
You’re my one true love and I can’t let you get away
CHORUS REPEAT
ENDING
You always acted funny when I was away, you must’ve told me lies when I called from the highway
You told me you loved me, I guess it wasn’t true, now what am I gonna do, huh?
I’m down on my knees and I’m beggin’ you, you just can’t leave me please think it through
I’ve tried others but no one else will do, I just can’t live my life without you